Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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