I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
