Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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