these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
