K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
