I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
