Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize