every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
