so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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