Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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