Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
