This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
