I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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