This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize