Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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