I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Non-Jews are for practice
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
