Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
