I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
