my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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