You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
