Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
