i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
