she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
