I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish they made helmets for livers.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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