she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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