I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
