Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
