I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
