Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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