the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
