Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
