Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
