Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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