dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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