Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
