Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize