i think my mom watched the whole time
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
