How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
