So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
