I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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