I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
