I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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