I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
