Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
