between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
