If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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