Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
