i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
