Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
