Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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