batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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