You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
