you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
