It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
