genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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